In Sickness and in Health

Sep 1, 1985

Alf and Else Garnett are back in London. Else is severely arthritic and can barely walk and Alf extols the joys of the wheelchair has got her — until he has to push her around in it. With so many cars parked on the pavement, he uses the middle of the road, incurring a motorist's wrath. It gets him access to sports matches — at least until he spoils it for himself.

Sep 8, 1985

Having complained about his failing eyesight – and just about everything else – Alf takes Else out in her wheelchair and buys her a cornet whilst avoiding giving money to the vicar. However, his poor sight proves his undoing when he accidentally goes into a ladies' toilet and is arrested as a sex pest.

Sep 15, 1985

After scrubbing the hall and disapproving of Else's using the milkman to place bets, Alf feels that an entitlement to home help, but antagonises three hopefuls in succession. Returning from the pub, he finds that the latest is Winston, an extremely flamboyant gay Black man who will clearly tolerate none of his nonsense.

Sep 29, 1985

Alf tests the patience of the good-natured Johnsons from next door by using their phone to make a very long-winded long distance call to Rita. After expounding upon funerals in the pub, Alf repays Mr Johnson by buying him so many drinks he falls over. Meanwhile, Alf's homeward progress pushing Else in her wheelchair ends in drunken calamity.

Oct 6, 1985

Rita comes to visit and no sooner is she through the door than Alf argues with her about Else. After Alf criticises Margaret Thatcher, claiming that no woman should be PM, Else and Rita gang up against him with Winston, who brings an equally camp friend home to throw a party for Rita.

Oct 13, 1985

Tired of pushing Else around in her chair, Alf looks into an electric scooter but they cost £2,500 and Social Security informs Alf that, as long as he's able to push, Else is ineligible. Taking an idea from some go-karting kids, Alf adds jet propulsion to the chair, which goes out of control, foiling a bank robbery and landing him in hospital. He's declared a hero but, following Winston's view that the robbers' accomplices may be out to get him, decides to remain anonymous.

Sep 4, 1986

Alf returns from the funeral of Else, his long-suffering wife. Having lost her disability allowance of E30 and half the pension, life ahead is not too rosy.

Sep 11, 1986

When Rita and Winston come in at night making a noise, Camille decides to start locking the flats' door at 10:30. But can Alf make it back from the pub in time?

Sep 18, 1986

Camille's obsession with locking doors takes on new dimensions when she even locks Alf into his own flat but then he needs to go to toilet. Meanwhile, the shopkeeper wants to call in Elsa's debts, and the milkman has some news about her gambling.

Sep 25, 1986

Fed up with everybody having a Sunday roast except him, Alf makes his first trip to market. But he's forgotten he can't cook.

Oct 2, 1986

Rita buys Alf a secondhand jacket, and when he notices it's covered in medals, he uses the stolen valor to try to gain all sorts of favours under false pretences. He also receives a visit from canvassing politicians.

Oct 9, 1986

Alf's old neighbour Min turns up uninvited with her senile sister.

Oct 22, 1987

Alf's joy at Rita's pending divorce is short lived when he learns she is to live with the new doctor.

Oct 29, 1987

The arrival of Alf's AIDS leaflets spurs him and Arthur into action to aid Mary Whitehouse.

Nov 5, 1987

When Alf is given a cordless telephone, it turns out to be more of hindrance than help.

Nov 12, 1987

Gwenneth and Min come to visit Alf, and hold a seancé to communicate with some long departed friends.

Nov 19, 1987

Alf has a fight at a tea dance and meets up again with his adversary outside his house.

Nov 26, 1987

On a boiling hot summer day, Alf goes to Social Security to complain that he should've had more money in last winter's heating allowance to no avail. Back home, he joins his friends watching cricket on television and falls asleep, loudly dreaming that he has been knighted for his services to the game.

Sep 7, 1989

Alf has had his hip operation and Winston has moved out, replaced by his straight cousin Pele. However, some things never change, such as Alf's continuing feud with Camille, particularly as she hogs his TV.

Sep 14, 1989

Encouraged by Arthur, Alf continues to pursue Camille, even getting down on one knee to propose though she wants time to think. After a night at the pub, a surprise engagement party is thrown for the still undecided couple, but when Camille learns that, as husband and wife, they could buy the house for a fifth of its worth, she's quick to accept.

Sep 21, 1989

Alf and Camille are now engaged to be married and Alf has already started to enjoy her cooking. They treat Arthur, who thinks he's won the pools, to a celebration dinner. Naturally, Alf has to remind Arthur who his best friend is, as best friends share everything.

Sep 28, 1989

Alf and Camille are preparing for a trip to Australia to meet her rich brother, in the hope that he'll lend them money to buy their house cheap off the council once married. Alf, ever the romantic, persuades Arthur, as best man, to accompany them so he can have someone to talk to (Camille doesn't count). It could also have something to do with the fact that Alf is terrified of making the trip.

Oct 5, 1989

On the flight to Australia, Arthur, Alf and Camille are nervous passengers though Alf's argument with a steward who forbids him to smoke breaks the monotony. Upon arrival, Alf argues with a man who turns out to be Mrs H's brother Ricky but, back at his house, the two bond over their shared racism.

Oct 12, 1989

Alf, Camille and Arthur have a day sightseeing, starting in a cafe where Alf defends Hitler. After Alf has rowed with a lazy lifeguard over a non-existent drowning victim, the trio take a boat trip and Alf soon discovers that he and his bride-to-be hold a variety of differing views. As far as Alf is concerned, one thing is for sure though: Australians are descended from convicts and they are still not to be trusted.

Oct 19, 1989

The Australian journey comes to an end as Alf, Camille and Arthur realise that Ricky is not all that they thought.

Sep 1, 1990

As a result of a power cut, Alf and Camille repair to the candlelit pub where Alf sounds off about Margaret Thatcher, despite her being a Conservative. This sets off an argument with Arthur and Mr. Johnson about a number of things – including death, the undertaker at the next table unsettling Alf.

Sep 8, 1990

They may be halfway up the aisle but Alf and his bride-to-be are still arguing, especially when she wants to throw out his furniture as being tat. A fake overdose attempt cuts no ice so Alf is off to the pub to talk about suicide, death and Heaven – though Fred Johnson, as an atheist, is having none of it.

Sep 15, 1990

Complaining that Alf is a shabby dresser, Camille also wants him to take out life insurance in case he goes first. At the pub, a discussion on health does anything but allay Mr. Carey's fears about getting a hip replacement in view of Alf's hospital horror stories.

Sep 22, 1990

Alf decides to earn some money by window cleaning for Mrs. Carey. Despite failing to get any wages, he gets lots of free groceries after catching the milkman in a compromising position.

Sep 29, 1990

Alf tries his hand with man's best friend, much to Fred Johnson's delight, but who's taking who for a walk?

Oct 6, 1990

Initially delighted when summoned for jury service, Alf becomes increasingly paranoid that he is being stalked.

Oct 13, 1990

As jury service draws closer, Alf is worried about the possibility of revenge from the criminal fraternity.

Oct 20, 1990

Alf forgets his pass and is unable to get on the bus. The following day, he arranges a day trip for a group of OAP's who, armed with their passes, commandeer a bus.

Oct 27, 1990

Camille is forcing Alf to try and save money for their wedding. That includes no smoking and no drinking.

Nov 3, 1990

As Alf's wedding to Camille approaches, the preparations unfold: gift giving, Alf's stag night, and finally the big event itself.

Feb 21, 1992

A year after being left at the altar, Alf is still living – and bickering – with Camille, particularly over her leeching friend Michael. Alf's patience hits a new low when a car alarm outside the house goes off, so he decides to teach the driver a lesson.

Feb 28, 1992

Alf decides to become one of Mrs. Thatcher's entrepreneurs. He enlists Michael's support in a car parking scheme on match day and starts a paper round.

Mar 6, 1992

After holding forth on moral issues, Alf goes to the pub where the big news is that Mr. Johnson's wife has left him for her lesbian lover. To make matters worse, she intends to move her into the marital home. Alf, of course, blames the French for introducing permissiveness into the country and ends up threatened by Mrs. Johnson for his pains.

Mar 13, 1992

Alf is worried about Camille's bad leg, not out of any tender feelings, rather that her leg prevents her cooking and cleaning for him.

Mar 20, 1992

Camille forces Alf to move her wardrobe, but he discovers a compartment containing a briefcase full of banknotes.

Mar 27, 1992

Now wealthy, Alf sees life in a new way. The bank manager is curious as to how Alf acquired his money. Alf enters a private hospital to spend his money before he dies.

Apr 3, 1992

Alf enjoys his newfound wealth and indulges in some of his hobbies: eating, drinking and looking after himself! In between, he tries to resist Min's amorous advances and foil the suspicious bank manager.